6 ways you can stop living with unforgiveness in your heart
"pride and entitlement always go with unforgiveness. the longer your hold someone else's offense over them, the more likely you are to start feeling arrogant and entitled to your posture toward them." - will davis, jr.
i don't know about you, but this was such an impactful quote. so powerful, i felt it was the best way to open up this particular post. from experience, i can say with conviction that unforgiveness is one of the biggest downfalls within the black community. and while i know unforgiveness isn't a 'race' thing (because it's definitely a 'human' thing), i am making the conscious decision to speak on this topic from the perspective i'm most comfortable with; which is the black male perspective (if you haven't already guessed that part).
6). come to grips with the root of your anger.
why are you angry? what did the person(s) do that was so bad that you determined they were unsuitable for you to ever be cool with them again? sometimes, we can get so caught up in the situation and our "right" to be upset that we really can't even put into words why we are mad, ya know? coming to grips with the root of why you're angry is a form of acknowledgement. we need to be able to actually acknowledge the issue internally before we can work on anything else related to possible reconciliation externally.
5). have a conversation with the person(s) you feel wronged you.
if you've been following my post for a little while, you may remember that i talked about spiritually sound ways to handle conflict. if you don't remember, i mean.... it's not the end of the world. but anyway, this previous post mentioned that we need to take our oughts to the person we are angry with. do you know what that means? that means you speak to the person you're actually mad at. not facebook, not twitter, not tagged and myspace or whatever the young folks today are using. take it to the person. in today's world, we are so technologically "woke"; there's so many options out there for us. we can call someone on the phone, facetime them, text them, direct message them and so forth. but more often than not, we tend to subtweet, and google quotes about the 'situation' so we can post to make it seem like we are unbothered when in reality, we're bothered...AF (sorry, not sorry). moral of the story here is: stop going to everyone else to validate your anger when you can go directly to the person and possibly eliminate your anger in the first place. if they aren't trying to talk..that's not on you, but you can at least try.
4). step outside of your own perspective and trade places.
i know this one is definitely easier said than done. but sometimes, it could be just the thing to strike a forgiving spirit in your heart. for those that you feel have done you wrong, have you ever legitimately taken the time to put yourselves in their shoes? if you haven't, you've probably never given any consideration to a perspective other than your own, which won't help you at all with minimizing the amount of unforgiveness in your heart, forreal.
3). accept the apology you never got.
sometimes, you may feel overly entitled to your anger. you may know that you know that you know that you were wronged, and all you need is an apology to move in the right direction toward reconciliation. but, what if they never apologize to you? there's a saying that goes, "life is easier when you learn to accept the apology you never got" and i believe this to be entirely true. if you get so caught up on the fact that someone did not apologize to you, you'll begin to focus energy on reminding yourself to be mad at them each time they come around or someone brings them up. you'll find yourself stacking anger on top of anger because you were already mad that they wronged you, and now you're mad that they didn't apologize for wronging you. dude, chill out. not for their sake, but for yours. holding on to hurt and dragging it along with you throughout your life is no way to live. accept the unspoken apology, release the animosity and move forward living your life.
2). let go of the false sense of entitlement.
understand this, nobody owes you a-n-y-t-h-i-n-g. i've seen it happen (and i've personally experienced this) where people want those they feel have wronged them to literally beg for their forgiveness. i'm sorry but..who are you..black Jesus? nah, bruh. stop using your alleged hurt to validate your identity as a victim of life in the fell clutch of circumstance. it's not a good look. it makes you look kinda childish, if we are being honest. once you can learn to let go of your false sense of entitlement regarding your identity as a victim, you'll also have to let go of any sympathy and special treatment you received from others as a result of you playing the victim role (i'm sure i just lost half the room). and that's what most people don't wanna give up; the preferential treatment and this fake idea that they are an overcomer. but guess what, the people around you are getting tired of you playing this role, whether they've already told you or not. do yourself a favor, let it go.
1). stop bringing it up.
one thing i absolutely hate...is when people say they are "good" on a situation, but they really aren't. with the same mouth they told you ya'll were good, they'll turn around and tell someone else that they don't rock with you like that; every time someone brings your name up, they have to be dramatic...because they want someone to ask them about it. and it's just like...why? where's the pleasure in constantly reminding yourself of a situation that allegedly hurt you? unless of course, you aren't really hurt and you just want attention. stop trying to make others upset at the person you're upset with. that's pretty basic and not to mention, counterproductive, bruh.